A healthy sex life, or what's love got to do with it was the stimulating subject of Amanda Barusch, Professor of Social Work at University Of Utah. Beginning with a poetic quote from Plato, "He who has been instructed thus far in the things of love…will suddenly perceive a nature of wondrous beauty…beauty absolute, separate, simple, and everlasting," Barusch said that her goal for the evening's presentation was that everyone gains one new idea.

Trained as a gerontologist in social work, Barusch has conducted a research study about the connection between sex and love, having interviewed 110 adults between the ages of 19 and 97 and studied 1200 people's responses to an internet survey regarding their romantic experiences and beliefs.

A starting point is agreeing on a definition of a "healthy sex life." Because health implies the absence of disease, one can define a healthy sex life as one that does not inflict illness. A more meaningful definition or, as Barusch explained, an "optimum" sex life which she said is both satisfying and fulfilling and provides one with a glow and warm feeling of connection and confidence. The life style might or might not include intercourse; Barusch even suggested that a celibate's sex life can be as satisfying as a profligate lover's.

For many senior citizens and especially true for women, Barusch asserts that sex is more than intercourse, suggesting that sex can happen when we connect with another human being, when we exchange glances with a stranger and feel communication, when we stroke a friend's shoulder in a gesture of comfort, or when we and our partners share orgasmic rapture.

Therefore, a healthy sex life is a healthy human life where there is a universal possibility of connection. We connect with ourselves and with others in such a trusting manner that we are able to take risks, expose ourselves to the pain of others, break rules, make mistakes, and bear the consequences.

In defining a "healthy adult," Barusch explored two approaches, the first coming from Vedic psychology and Eastern tradition which posits that a healthy adult is one who is "ever expanding," and that there is an innate drive to expand or to grow, which is somewhat analogous to Freud's "life instinct." Fulfillment comes when we are expanding, and with love and sex, each new and long-term relationship offers the possibility of self-expansion resulting from changes and challenges and constant opportunities for growth.

Or in other words, infinite possibilities to finite lives because in an Eastern tradition, the ultimate goal of self-expansion is a kind of transcendence, a union with the infinite where we are able to perceive the organization and meaning of the universe. Thus a healthy sex life can lead to transcendence, as Barusch illustrated with a book she brought titled Finding God Through Sex.

To various degrees, Barusch continued, we incorporate others into our selves, we vicariously live through their experiences, and the love we share increases their intensity--all in a non-linear way. We share each other's identities, experiences, statuses, and resources, thereby expanding ourselves on several dimensions.

Another perspective that Barusch explored is from Carl Jung, a colleague of Freud's. Coining the term "individuation," Jung defined healthy adult development as a process involving the integration of conscious and unconscious parts of the self which leads to an authentic and unique individual.

For Jung, striving for fulfillment and meaning are inherent to the human condition, representing a basic drive similar to Freud's "life instinct."

Jung favored living life to its fullest, suggesting that "the art of life is the most distinguished and rarest of all the arts," and he argued that "for many people all too much unlived life remains over…so that they approach the threshold of old age with unsatisfied demands which inevitably turn their glances backwards."

But Barusch emphasized that neither of these philosophies represents an excuse for infidelity or promiscuity. At the same time, they do not condemn those who act outside conventional boundaries either. The end result is that regardless of what we choose, both offer ways of understanding and enriching our lives and our relationships.

Barusch then said she could not leave this subject without adding what Freud's definition of a healthy adult is--"to love and to work." For busy Americans, this means to restore balance between work and love.

What does love have to do with sex? According to her research, Barusch stated that a vast majority of respondents, in the 90% range, describes a connection between love and sex while some say that love and sex are separate. One 75-year-old gay respondent said, "I think there is just sex, and I think that sometimes sex is just a recreational thing. And I think there can be love with no sex. It can be all ways, and if you're lucky enough to have both, then that's good too." A 54-year-old straight woman echoed his views: "Well, you can have love without sex and sex without love, but both are better when they come together."

In a contrasting view, one 49 year old straight man said, "I don't really equate love and sex in the same breath. I think sex is something you end up giving and taking when you get married. It doesn't necessarily mean that you love each other. I could go out and pay a hooker for sex, but that doesn't mean I love them. To me sex is a physical act that ends up giving pleasure."

From the research, Barusch formulated three perspectives.

1. With love, sex is socially acceptable. Not surprising, this perspective was expressed primarily by women of all ages.
2. Sex makes love better. Respondents of this belief said sex was the consummation of love or the "fulfillment of being able to act out love. 69 males said that sex was the "manifestation of love" and 65 females said sex "carries the feelings of love further."
3. Love makes sex better. One 62-year old Native American man said, "If you truly love that person and you have sex with them, oh boy there is a difference. Because you love that person, you just feel them and they feel you. There is more enjoyment." Another man, aged 58, said, "because it's that that-what's the word I'm trying to think of? When you, you know, the feel that you want to help do something for the other person and they want to do something for you and it's not because they have to. But it's because they want to…does that make any sense?"

Barusch ended by saying that she agreed with these men that the empathy that comes with love doubles, maybe even triples the pleasure of sex, adding that what the last respondent said sounded much like "agapic" love where this saintly, giving kind of love providing pleasure comes from "doing for" our beloved.

Last but not least, sex with love and love with sex, can give one peace and acceptance not only of our minds and souls but of our physical, imperfect bodies.

--Sarah Smith