A lion, fatigued by the heat of a summer's day, fell fast asleep in his den until a mouse ran right over his mane and ears, and rudely woke him from his slumbers. He rose up and shook himself in great wrath and searched in every corner of his den to find the mouse. A fox, seeing him in this state said, "A fine lion you are, to be frightened of a mouse."

"Tis not the mouse I fear," replied the lion, "I resent his familiarity and ill-breeding."

--Aesop's Fables

Sometimes, the so-called "little liberties" we take with others have a negative impact. We learn this through our testy experiences in life. The following are a few of my favorites:

1. Grandma Beatrice secretly takes her baby grandson to her priest and has him baptized because her daughter-in-law is not of her faith.
2. Mother Clara admonishes her married son for not taking his wife and children to church anymore. She tells him, "You know it's what the Lord wants you to do."
3. Son, Scott, asks his parents to keep the wine out of the refrigerator when he brings his family for a visit, so his children won't be exposed to "evil."
4. A public high school choir director chooses a steady repertoire of Christian music to be sung by students, and arranges the choir to sing in Mormon places of worship where students must listen to prayers, sermons, and testimonies. When some students write a letter of complaint, the director rebukes them and ignores their request to consider other options.

Just like Aesop's mouse, the one commonality the main characters share in the above vignettes is that someone has overstepped a boundary and invaded another's territory. Lions and other such animals set their boundaries by urinating in certain places, warning other animals to tread lightly, or not at all. Hopefully, we humans can set our boundaries by exercising our language skills.

Setting boundaries is important in distinguishing our individuality and protecting ourselves from pain and anguish. Like sturdy fences between neighbors, they mark the place where one reality ends and another begins. Boundaries also provide a foundation for respectful and mature relationships so we can live in peace and autonomy.

In our dealings with others, whether they be bosses, friends, casual acquaintances, or intimate relationships, we sometimes find ourselves in uncomfortable circumstances. Rather than feel stymied, and later resentful for not saying anything, it would be better for us to respond in an assertive, yet sensitive way that would affirm our personal convictions without distancing ourselves emotionally.

Dr. Charles Whitfield, in his book, Boundaries and Relationships, believes that recognizing our comfort level is a determining factor in setting limits. He asserts, "A boundary or limit is how far we can go with comfort in a relationship. It delineates where I and my physical and psychological space ends, and where you and yours begins. Boundary is a concept that provokes a real experience within us. Therefore, the boundary is real."

So, the easiest way to recognize an overstepped boundary is to "go with your gut," so to speak. The above mentioned stories are examples that provoke real emotion within us. We somehow know a line has been crossed because we feel hurt, anger, pain, and/or resentment. Our feelings give us a clue that "something is amiss." We feel offended and sense that our personal space has been invaded, or worse, violated by another person's words or deeds.

What is the best way to react when our feelings tell us our boundaries have been stepped on? First, we need to become acquainted, or re-acquainted, with our personal belief system, and feel confident with it, in spite of the beliefs of the majority. Then we need to recognize those times when our boundaries are being invaded, by tuning into our feelings and identifying an emotion, such as anger. Finally, we need to learn productive ways to speak for ourselves and our principles. This, of course, is a life-long process, but at particular times in our lives we need to declare our individual boundaries firmly so others won't invade our space and stay there. For instance, in story #2, when Mother Clara admonishes her grown son for not taking his family to church, he could say to her:

"You know mother, you raised me well, and one of the important things you taught me was to think for myself, and I'm doing it. It is my choice not to attend church, and I feel comfortable with it.

"There are many subjects we can talk about when I come to visit you, mother, but religion is not one of them. So I'm setting down a guideline. If you want to continue our relationship, let's not talk about religion. It gets too personal, and it's disturbing because we see life differently. In the heat of emotion I don't want either of us to say things we don't mean, or end our visits on a negative note. Can we agree to that?"

Now, if Clara starts to cry and carry on, or threatens to disinherit him, her son can politely state:

"Mother, I can see you're upset, so I'm going to leave now, and hopefully you can come to terms with this issue, because I really care about you and want to have a friendly relationship. I respect you and your belief system, and I hope you can do the same for me."

This type of firm, yet friendly stand sets a personal boundary in a way that preserves the dignity of both parties. The trick is to mean what we say and stick to it, even if it means having a strained relationship for awhile.

In our day-to-day encounters, we have many opportunities for growth by declaring ourselves. But, as you can see, setting boundaries doesn't "just happen." It takes thoughtful preparation, and "script-writing." It also takes a fair amount of courage, and an ability to tolerate the anxiety and guilt associated with setting limits. Sharing our struggles with an understanding friend or therapist can be most helpful.

Confrontation is a challenging road to walk because there is risk--risk at being misunderstood, dismissed, ostracized, and even retaliated against. The following statements reflect the powerful counter forces that can sometimes develop:

• What's wrong with you?
• Why on earth are you doing this?
• If you loved your family, you wouldn't do this.
• You're not a team player when you defy the system.
• We're supposed to respect authority. Listen to it!

It takes perseverance and strength to become oneself. Sometimes we backslide into old behavior patterns. As we regain our ego-strength, then we can begin to restate our convictions repeatedly, if necessary. It takes time for some people to finally get our message. Once they do, life flows a little easier, and we become more authentic and respected.

--Nancy Moore