As a Christian Conservative Might View Humanists

September 1995

If I weren't so compassionate I'd give them no time,
But I think that all humanists should heed my short rhyme.
A typical humanist as we're all aware
Is a hundred and eight and won't say a prayer.
His or her soul, just between you and me,
Will as sure as the devil be in great jeopardy.
And yet he or she just goes blithely along
With nary a fear that anything's wrong.
But I can tell him or her in one sentence:
"You are just about out of time for repentance."
I can't understand why he answers with laughter
(I'll use just the masculine pronoun hereafter.)
He scoffs at my warnings of a future of sorrow
And lives out his life like there is no tomorrow.
I would think at one hundred and eight he would try
To get into heaven, for surely he'll die.
So why does he not have the faith of a child?
Why is he not by all wonders beguiled?
I think I know why. It occurs to me that
He's a daffy dadblasted guldurn Democrat.
He's lived his long life as a damned infidel,
So it's not in his interest to believe in some hell.
"But what," you may ask, "can you say of those few
Republican humanists?" They're all liberal, too.
Those guys do not have a good attribute,
Not a Gramm of sense or the brain of a Newt.
At one hundred and eight you'd think they'd want love
And give up free thinking for the great God above.
But such is a humanist, skeptical, tough,
Who just never knows when enough is enough.