Discussion Group Report

The Utah Humanists' Study Group this month heard a taped presentation by humanist comedian Henry Scampini. The excerpts that follow refer to some of the milder "pornography" in the Bible. Rawer stuff can be found by the "original" authors cited below:

When David was a young man, he went up on the roof to look around; and he saw Bathsheba bathing herself; and he said, "Wow, I'd like to bath Sheba." So he maneuvered to have her husband killed, and then he married her and had a son, Solomon. When David died, his son Solomon, became king, and he married Abashag. His older brother, Adonijah, wanted her, and he had his brother killed so that he could marry her. Solomon's songs in the Psalms were written for her.

When I was a kid, this was absolutely the funniest thing in the Bible. This was hysterical:

• God mooned Moses. God says to Moses, "I will take away my hand, and thou shalt see my back parts, but my face shall not be seen." So God showed Moses his back parts. If I was Moses, I would have kicked him right in the ass.
• The Bible tells us God has white hair, eyes the color of fire, and smoke comes out of his nostrils and fire out of his mouth. Now, if that smoke coming out of his nostrils is white, it is marijuana. That explains a lot. We only have three things to smoke in that part of the world, depending on what you can afford-marijuana, tobacco, and camel dung. Jesus said hate your mother, hate your father, hate your wife. Now what the hell was he smoking?

Why do we still have old-time religion? Because we don't have anything else to replace it, and it's up to the humanists to find a replacement. All religion is silly. It's the world's oldest scam. It's the rape of the mind and I laugh that I may not weep. But be of good cheer. The day will come when priests will marry, the pope will be a nun, Jews will eat ham, and Muslims will pray standing up. The day will come when no one under 21 will be allowed to read the barbaric book of inspired ignorance called the Holy Bible.

I would like to thank my writers, Ezekiel and Isaiah.

Be of good cheer. At long last our time is coming, and the truth will prevail!