At the June meeting of Humanists of Utah, a group of seasoned rebels against religious authority got together to pool their experiences. This article is a result of that gab session. However, it contains a fair sprinkling of my own additives, preservatives, flavors and colors. It may not square with the problems and solutions that you have encountered; your corrections and improvements will be appreciated. We'll want this to be as concise and helpful as possible: when it is honed down to its final form, it could be our way to reach out to could-be-humanists.

So, you don't feel comfortable with the religion that you have been involved with? You have come to the point where you want to talk with someone about what you have been thinking. But what if they think you are a creep?

It may not feel like it, but a lot of eople have been where you are now. Some of them got together some time ago to pool their experiences, and this is what they came up with.

In the first place, you are entirely correct in feeling apprehensive, because no matter how you slice it, it's going to be tough. Nobody said challenging authorities was easy. If you want things easy, the easiest thing is to forget about your doubts, to stop thinking independently, and to rejoin the flock you have felt cut off from. Trouble is, your mind is not a computer. It is hard to turn it off once it gets started.

The second easiest thing is to keep your thoughts in your mind, and to just go through the motions in church. Someone who can keep his internal motiviations separate from his external actions is usually called a hypocrite, (but only if he is found out). This is not so despicable an alternative: those who avert conflicts with the authorities are in the good company of Socrates ("I an atheist? I do what I do because the gods command me!"), Jesus ("Render unto Caesar the things which are Caesar's ..."), and Galilei ("And yet she turns"). But again, not everyone can do that. And hypocrisy exacts its own price, a kind of mentally cross-eyed outlook that can give you spiritual headaches.

Even if you decide that you are going to think and act independently, you may want to examine the extent of your rebellion. Do you doubt the existence of the god of your religion, or just the integrity of is ground personnel? If it's the practicies of your fellow believers that you are questioning, then you may want to consider whether you can best improve things from within, or from outside of your church. If your doubts center on the religious dogmas themselves, then there is a lot of work to be done.

One part of the work goes on within yourself. It would be too bad if you stopped believing what you used to, without developing an alternative world view, some working hypotheses aobut what makes you and the world tick.

The other part of the work is to express that world view to others. Actually, the two parts reinforce one another: often we don't really know what we think until we try to tell someone else.

So who are you going to talk to? It may seem hard to find someone who is willing to listen without prejudging you, and without passing your confidential information to others. But they do exist. If you cannot find them, try talking to the wall. And try to get to a point where you can talk about your thoughts and feelings sensibly, and calmly. You'll need to be able to do that to get to the next point: talking to those who are close to you.

The tragedy is that the people you love most may be the hardest ones to open up to. That is because to them, that is no just a subject of intellectual discourse, but also a matter of trust and sharing. And in a religion, like the LDS church, where man and wife are a team who together work towards their salvation, it is tantamount to spiritual desertion. How you talk to people is very important.

A "let-me-tell-you-how-it-really-is" attitude will be counter productive: no one likes a preaching smart-aleck who makes fun of other people's convictions. It is more honest to admit your doubts and questions, and in all modesty bring forward your alternative explanations.

Things that you need to across:

I still love you

The people you love need to know that the new ideas you have been entertaining are not a way you have chosen to hurt them, but rather things that have been growing on you despite your affections.

I am rational, and in pursuit of happiness

My doubts are not a sickness that plagues me, or that I want cured, but a way to better understand reality.

I am still a moral person

Some people think that without scriptural commandments, people will start behaving like beasts. However, the fact is that non-religious reasoning arrives at a lot of rules of appropriate behavior that are similar to religious tenets. The difference is that here, you don't follow the rules because you are told to, but because you can see they make sense.

Here are some things I am in favor of

Church-bashing only puts down the people you love. Rather than telling them why the church is no good, try and focus on more satisfying alternative explanations of reality.

Having people accept your intellectual evolution is not going to be easy. The more so because you are walking a thin line between dangers. On the one hand, it would be cruel to push too hard, to rob the people you love of their ability to believe what they have been happy with. On the other hand, there will be a lot of social and professional pressure on you to swallow your words. "Do it for the children," "Do it for me," "Don't rock the boat."

The basic conflict is not going to go away. In the end, either you accept divine authority, or you assert your individual intellectual independence. But before you reach that end, there's a long travel ahead of you.

Move graciously.

--Anne Zeilstra